10:33 - At that precise moment when sanity snaps and the boss' mindless pedantry just breaks the camels back once and for all, there is this serene moment of pure peace and calm, shattered only by the crunching noise as her nose is broken against the edge of her desk.
10:34 - The arcs of shiny crimson, orbital-gravity blood droplets lava-lamp their way through the air in slo-motion, warping and twisting past the locks of her dyed hair as she recoils...
10:35 - The searing accoustic stabbing pain of her pig like shiek of pain and indignation is reduced to a basso growl as the disassociated ear picks apart each harmonic, listening to it carefully and storing it for future times to be replayed over and ovwer as I sit in the dock listening to the prosecution or in the cells listening to the agonised screams of those who never understood what being "sent down" really means.
10:36 - Not that I mind, all I can feel right now is the reedy aging neck in my hands as I pull it back for a second go. Bird-like claws and Dolce and Gabanne blouse flailing, out of focus. The only thing I see is the pointed corner of the Ikea metallic Orgs Sping Yooskoo Desk. Compressed wood chip encased in flame forged hardened steel for this years "tough look"... the perfect UNBREAKABLE corner that can crush holes in the most pedantic of skulls.
10:37 - The information is starting to overload, the squealing, the blood, the sweat, the flailing, it starts to get dull, so I reach for a sip of coffee... ah... espresso... no one ever considered arresting the Italians or the Arabs for getting us high everyday, so why does cocaine get such a bad rap... where was I...
10:38 - The other staff have started to get up and I wonder how many of them I will hae to fight off to escape, but knowing I'm doing them a favour, one of them is actually trying to hand me a tissue with a gesture towards my shirt, where a drop of the idiot bitches blood has landed.
10:39 - Three others are openly applauding, one has cracked a bottle of champagne, and the two who sit furthest from me have actually reached for weapons to join in...
10:40 - It slowly dawns on me that she's still talking... shame really. I was getting into that.
10:41 - This is Falling Carefully reminding himself why its good to be considerate of even the most retarded line-managers... prison isn't half as much fun as a good nightclub, cocktails, parties and holidays...
10:42 - Keep the anger locked up folks, at least until there aren't any witnesses. :)
10:43 - Carry on.
Monday 3 November 2008
Tuesday 14 October 2008
The rot has returned...
21:17 - Middle management, now there's the biggest daily conundrum of them all! What is the point? It's like playing Chinese whispers with your business...
21:18 - Now fair enough middle-management has its uses when given the authority to act as the voice of his master... but when that middle manager is neutered, its utterly pointless and a complete waste of a salary.
21:19 - Take Smallene for example, no that it isn't his name, but I can't print his address here, this blog's far too popular and he would know it was him I was talking about... anyway, who cares, shut up and listen. Smallene is to all intents and purposes the Senior Editor whom we are supposed to run stories past. All well and good, but the first question I hear you asking is, Falling why isn't that your job...
21:20 - Well the simple answer to that very astute question is I am already the fully fledged Editor, owner, journo, investigator, blind-lemon lost cause, small fry hung up kind guy, too big for these shoes frood dude of the Desk of the Sell-Out as it is... that's one post that needs the responsibility of someone who speaks with the voice of the downtrodden. Well ok... maybe not speaks with that voice, but certainly understands does a pretty swift attempt at mimickign it... least when there aren't any genuine down-trodden folk around who might deck me if they heard.
21:21 - So anyway, Smallene has "editorial control" which is a laugh to say the least at the best of times... Judgements from that editorship include... "You've put a comma in the wrong place", "Ooh Falling, your font size has changed one point between lines 3 and 5 then returned to the original point size. Can you change it back?" and my all time favourite... "My phone's ringing, can someone answer it?"
21:22 - Nah, I'm gonna have to stop myself here, this is more tedious than the dull sense of resentment that crawls through my veins every time I face the prospect of having a discussion with the twerp.
21:23 - If I can't stand conversing with the simple-minded, custard-dripping, half wit then I really should have the manners to leave this particular niggling experience on the shelf marked, "Just don't go there, its not funny and even you can't turn it into a witty little tale Falling!"
21:24 - Accept my apologies and please accept also this one-time-only voucher for a free edition of the Desk of the Sell Out Generation. A chaotically published periodical with little value, sense or purpose but a far better read than anything you'll find in the Daily Mail and with just as much truth to it if not more...
21:25 - This is Falling Carefully looking for the coffee. Decaf just DOES NOT CUT IT ok... I mean for fuck's sake, I'm being nice, there's something fundamentally wrong with that shite.
21:26 - Now piss off and get me a triple espresso with an espresso on top and a slice of coffee cake with coffee ice cream on the side...
21:27 - Oh by the way before I go... Tea-pucinno - I shit you not... only in Belfast... no wonder they were angry for so long... even today they still can't get a coffee... its like sacriligious or somethin
21:28 - Carry on
21:18 - Now fair enough middle-management has its uses when given the authority to act as the voice of his master... but when that middle manager is neutered, its utterly pointless and a complete waste of a salary.
21:19 - Take Smallene for example, no that it isn't his name, but I can't print his address here, this blog's far too popular and he would know it was him I was talking about... anyway, who cares, shut up and listen. Smallene is to all intents and purposes the Senior Editor whom we are supposed to run stories past. All well and good, but the first question I hear you asking is, Falling why isn't that your job...
21:20 - Well the simple answer to that very astute question is I am already the fully fledged Editor, owner, journo, investigator, blind-lemon lost cause, small fry hung up kind guy, too big for these shoes frood dude of the Desk of the Sell-Out as it is... that's one post that needs the responsibility of someone who speaks with the voice of the downtrodden. Well ok... maybe not speaks with that voice, but certainly understands does a pretty swift attempt at mimickign it... least when there aren't any genuine down-trodden folk around who might deck me if they heard.
21:21 - So anyway, Smallene has "editorial control" which is a laugh to say the least at the best of times... Judgements from that editorship include... "You've put a comma in the wrong place", "Ooh Falling, your font size has changed one point between lines 3 and 5 then returned to the original point size. Can you change it back?" and my all time favourite... "My phone's ringing, can someone answer it?"
21:22 - Nah, I'm gonna have to stop myself here, this is more tedious than the dull sense of resentment that crawls through my veins every time I face the prospect of having a discussion with the twerp.
21:23 - If I can't stand conversing with the simple-minded, custard-dripping, half wit then I really should have the manners to leave this particular niggling experience on the shelf marked, "Just don't go there, its not funny and even you can't turn it into a witty little tale Falling!"
21:24 - Accept my apologies and please accept also this one-time-only voucher for a free edition of the Desk of the Sell Out Generation. A chaotically published periodical with little value, sense or purpose but a far better read than anything you'll find in the Daily Mail and with just as much truth to it if not more...
21:25 - This is Falling Carefully looking for the coffee. Decaf just DOES NOT CUT IT ok... I mean for fuck's sake, I'm being nice, there's something fundamentally wrong with that shite.
21:26 - Now piss off and get me a triple espresso with an espresso on top and a slice of coffee cake with coffee ice cream on the side...
21:27 - Oh by the way before I go... Tea-pucinno - I shit you not... only in Belfast... no wonder they were angry for so long... even today they still can't get a coffee... its like sacriligious or somethin
21:28 - Carry on
Thursday 2 October 2008
Thursday 4 September 2008
Elastic trap time warp
11.35 - Suuh uh uhhhhhhhhhh, NAP! Ouch dammit!
11.36 - Its not the change, its the ferocity of the ping as the band breaks tearing itself in half and slapping you as hard as possible that really stings. Like blowing up a balloon and having it burst in your face. Cheap elastic bands. What's the point? Something designed to do one particular job but produced so cheaply that it is utterly incapable of doing that one job.
11.37 - Its scarily similar to the unreal snap between "new staff member" and someone who is now responsible for a HUGE desk load of pap that, just 10 minutes before the meeting would have been deemed far too much with as little experience as I have, but now after the meeting am suddenly point man on.
11.38 - Fat children. A simple topic, an epidemic of morbid proportions threatening to engulf the next 50 years of Britain in a sloppy, lardy, early grave, cellulite coated, wheezing, rubbery fatty layer of lazy yoof and their cheese clogged arteries. A subject of little interest as I happily pedal my caffeine fueled fitness machine between home full of the latest organic mung bean bum burger mixtures, and work where responsiblity driven policy means even I can't operate the kitchen microwave for fear of crossing some previsouly unwritten, but now gospel, Health and Safety subcode of puritanical inflantilism and litigous driven paranoia.
11:39 - And yet just 5 mintues after the meeting of 5 minutes ago, I am now single-handedly responsible for drawing together the lick spittles, meeja-whores-on-a-free-buffet-junket, Soap Box Brawlers and Party-line toadies into the the same filter coffee fueled "pohsh" chamber embued with some tedious sense of fresh modernity or alternatively decorated with a sense of tediously ancient stability to discuss why fat kids won't get up off their arses and do something about their own predicament.
11:40 - Who shoulders repsonsibility for my hang-over, or inability to pay the rent? When do I get to blame someone else for the state of the roads that I pay for but tax dodgers don't? When does the opinion of the Neo-Con Daily Hate Mailer get heard without prejudice (alright never but you see what I'm getting at).
11:41 - So I guess what I'm saying is... asking the bitter resentful, coffee-less, caffeine addict to invite lots of over-paid gob-sh!tes into a room to discuss the lazy attitudes of an entire cross section of the British population is a recipe for disaster.
11:42 - Forget corrupting the youth, they're long past redemption. I say corrupt the system, because this apparent idyll of democracy driven sound bytes and unlistened to protest clearly isn't quite as idyllic for anyone except those holding its head firmly on the floor whilst standing on its neck. Democracy pah. Its an exemplary con-trick of despotism with a few bells and whistles and a few different letters in the name.
11:43 - Corrupting the system... its gonna be tougher than I though without coffee.
11:44 - Please send all contributions to the usual address, and having eradicated all the wombats in my last Christmas mail out, I suggest using Duck Billed Platypi as the alternative. YES Platypi... if no one is going to agree, then I'm making an executive decision... deal with it.
11:45 - Carry on.
11.36 - Its not the change, its the ferocity of the ping as the band breaks tearing itself in half and slapping you as hard as possible that really stings. Like blowing up a balloon and having it burst in your face. Cheap elastic bands. What's the point? Something designed to do one particular job but produced so cheaply that it is utterly incapable of doing that one job.
11.37 - Its scarily similar to the unreal snap between "new staff member" and someone who is now responsible for a HUGE desk load of pap that, just 10 minutes before the meeting would have been deemed far too much with as little experience as I have, but now after the meeting am suddenly point man on.
11.38 - Fat children. A simple topic, an epidemic of morbid proportions threatening to engulf the next 50 years of Britain in a sloppy, lardy, early grave, cellulite coated, wheezing, rubbery fatty layer of lazy yoof and their cheese clogged arteries. A subject of little interest as I happily pedal my caffeine fueled fitness machine between home full of the latest organic mung bean bum burger mixtures, and work where responsiblity driven policy means even I can't operate the kitchen microwave for fear of crossing some previsouly unwritten, but now gospel, Health and Safety subcode of puritanical inflantilism and litigous driven paranoia.
11:39 - And yet just 5 mintues after the meeting of 5 minutes ago, I am now single-handedly responsible for drawing together the lick spittles, meeja-whores-on-a-free-buffet-junket, Soap Box Brawlers and Party-line toadies into the the same filter coffee fueled "pohsh" chamber embued with some tedious sense of fresh modernity or alternatively decorated with a sense of tediously ancient stability to discuss why fat kids won't get up off their arses and do something about their own predicament.
11:40 - Who shoulders repsonsibility for my hang-over, or inability to pay the rent? When do I get to blame someone else for the state of the roads that I pay for but tax dodgers don't? When does the opinion of the Neo-Con Daily Hate Mailer get heard without prejudice (alright never but you see what I'm getting at).
11:41 - So I guess what I'm saying is... asking the bitter resentful, coffee-less, caffeine addict to invite lots of over-paid gob-sh!tes into a room to discuss the lazy attitudes of an entire cross section of the British population is a recipe for disaster.
11:42 - Forget corrupting the youth, they're long past redemption. I say corrupt the system, because this apparent idyll of democracy driven sound bytes and unlistened to protest clearly isn't quite as idyllic for anyone except those holding its head firmly on the floor whilst standing on its neck. Democracy pah. Its an exemplary con-trick of despotism with a few bells and whistles and a few different letters in the name.
11:43 - Corrupting the system... its gonna be tougher than I though without coffee.
11:44 - Please send all contributions to the usual address, and having eradicated all the wombats in my last Christmas mail out, I suggest using Duck Billed Platypi as the alternative. YES Platypi... if no one is going to agree, then I'm making an executive decision... deal with it.
11:45 - Carry on.
Thursday 21 August 2008
A few home truths before we get to the meat...
14:06
With a healthy precedent established of lying cheating, stealing, deviating, avoiding, and generally just not getting things right in the standard ordinary everyday acceptable way, I’ve found that old age is forcing me to believe in those tediously simplistic and under-entertaining values, but paradoxically I am finding it harder not easier to adhere to them myself, as 35 years of training in the fine art of sticking two fingers up at any kind of controlling authoritative voice is tantamount to “giving in to the man!” man
14:07
There is great artistry and a wealth of trial and tribulation that I lovingly called character building suffering (but that others would probably describe as mindless pig-headedness) that has gone into the fruity and deliciously unusual notes that flavour my ways and means through your conformist world, but that’s no reason to start bleating about my efforts on your behalf.
14:08
The world you inhabit has no time for the positive. Anything that is up to your standard is taken for granted. You only have time to moan about anything which isn’t sufficient, acceptable, up to scratch, good enough, right, or valuable. But here’s where your world stinks a little more like the putrid lie that it really is...
14:09
Not only do you ONLY highlight what’s wrong AND take the good for granted, but you don’t bloody do anything about your gripes. Have another cup of tea, sit back, and MOAN. That’s your way and that’s your excuse for accepting what amounts to some of the shabbiest standards in what is allegedly a world leader of a nation.
14:10
Hold on... what am I saying... you know this already. This is something you airheads are proud of. Insulting foreigners, eating third rate tasteless food, drinking yourselves into oblivion every Friday night to escape the tedium of your mundane and valueless lives whilst moaning some more about all the things you hate but can’t be arsed to do anything about.
14:11
That’s right Britai, Stand proud and tall in a bucket of sewage, with your shirt hanging out rebelliously and your tie half done up at an angle. Football under one arm religiously cradled to protect its inherent value to your tiny little mind.
14:12
As the sewage castle you’ve fashioned from the discarded detritus of your consumer-choice obsessed, throw away culture and the turds you hoped would go away but didn’t, slowly collapses round your ankles and you panic about recession and the declining value of your way of life, just remember this one small point...
14:13
I have been shouting “Wake up!” in your ears for years now. You only have yourselves to blame for being a down trodden bunch of losers with a football obsession!
14:14
If you think you can handle the truth, don’t forget to subscribe to further editions of “The Desk of the Sell-Out Generation”.
14:15
If you are any of the above including obese, stupid, boring, racist, conservative, close-minded, dull, dim, a BMW owner, insensitive, or just not smart enough to understand what I’m saying, then please please please unsubscribe. The intelligent people round here don’t want your window-licking stupidity and blank moon-faced thick little attitudes cluttering up what could be a great, productive and interesting conversation.
14:16
And if you want to know what any of that means, STOP READING THE BLOODY SUN and try a newspaper with words in it!
14:17
Carry on.
Thursday 14 August 2008
A good reason to...
12:57 – Christ this place is a tip... has no one done ANYTHING since I was last in the office?
12:58 – It’s FallingCarefully back in the Bureau, bringing you the weird wild and wonderless world that is Britain today.
12:59 – You’ve certainly been busy in my absence (well not on the cleaning front clearly) but there’s wonders afoot... you ousted Bliar which is good to see. And not surprisingly the Right Wing Conservative neighbours over the pond persisted in sticking with a tried and tested formula that didn’t work the first time round... one day they will learn something... I promise... if they don’t show any signs of doing so we’ll make them learn it... THAT I do promise!
13:00 – Me I’ve been here an there. The sensei’s dojo, the Blackhole of Cullbutter, Tajikistan but you knew about that, there were the hours spent listening to the icicles breath in the Om Jam Sam Sect of Oslo, learning the delightful art of farting with just one buttock. I’ve traded weaponry with disgruntled Primary School teachers, re-educated political hacks, advised Presidents, Snogged turtles, eaten the frothed eyeballs of Political dissidents in an Asapargus jus and seen the Archfangled Light Scale Spectrum of Tracey Emin’s Ear Wax...
13:01 – You may say that I have had an interesting experience but this is a day in the life of Falling. It’s why you come back for more. To hear the edge of reason as it sidles up to your table and quietly asks if it can sit down and dazzle you.
13:02 – When you subscribe to the Desk of the Sell Out, never again will you ask yourself why? Or what’s it all about? A year’s subscription costs you 5 minutes an episode and a pint if you think that’s a reasonable price... but I do have good taste, only the world’s finest will do.
13:03 – Can you sit still long enough to learn? Do you have what it takes to learn the truths of the world? Are you brave enough to hear just what it is that’s been going wrong all this time?
13:04 – Find out more, at the Desk of the Sell Out Generation.
13:05 – Carry on. J
Wednesday 13 August 2008
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